Well hello, you're not who I was expecting...

My relationship with goddesses is kind of strange. On the one hand, for a long while in the past I rejected the worship of any deity that was 'male' due to my issues with men in general, so I exclusively focused my attention on the Goddess. I'm using Goddess here as an archetype, not any particular goddess from any pantheon, but a primal Female force that was experienced/expressed through the different cultures and times as the various goddesses. In a similar vein, the God would be the primal Male of the universe with each god being an aspect of the singular God-force. However, even while I was excluding the male deities from my worship, I never felt particularly called or close to any goddess or even Goddess. Which, upon reflection, I think is a sign of just how tied up in knots I was inside, as well as the need for balance. How can you connect to something when you utterly refuse to accept fully half of it? You can't.

I've long been interested in certain goddesses, but that was entirely from a historic point of view. For instance, I was absolutely besotted by Athena in middle school. I did reports on her until my teachers were more than likely sick of hearing the name. I dressed up as her for Halloween (my costume was a bed sheet and pieces of my She-Ra toy armour. I had a *sword* and it was awesome, though it *was* pink). And Bastet, from the Egyptian pantheon. She's a cat goddess. How can there be anything more wonderful than that? Oh, but then there's Sekhmet. A lion war-goddess. Isis, who ruled with her brother-husband Osiris and put him back together after Set murdered him and scattered his parts across the world. Hera. Kali.

Are any of you seeing a theme?

I've long been attracted to goddesses who represented wisdom, cleverness and strength. But I was only ever attracted to them on an intellectual level, not on a worship level. I'm certain that there were varying reasons for that. When I was younger, I didn't believe that they were real. After all, I was a Christian and there was only one God and He was a man. Granted, that's an incorrect understanding of the Christian God but that was the impression that I got growing up. After all, they're hardly going to try and explain complex theological issues and the existence of a non-gendered deity or a deity that is both male and female at the same time to kids in Sunday School. Still. My Christian education, such as it was, left me with the belief that the Christian God was male and that there were no female divine forces.

Anyway. Before I digress into a *really* rambling post. The point is, I've never felt a kinship or a relationship with any goddesses. I found many of them interesting, but the same is true for gods. The difference is, I've felt...called? I guess is the best word, by gods. Historically, I mean. I ignored it because a) I Wasn't Speaking To Them Because They Were 'Men' and b) I was of the mind that the gods were all just iterations of the God (a divine Male force, not the Judeo-Christian-Islamic God, to be clear). So there was really no point in talking to them.

Some of them have apparently stuck with me and they've shown off enough personality that I'm willing to admit the thought that they're discrete beings and not one single being wearing different hats for different cultures. Honestly, even if they are just iterations of the same being, what difference does it make? If I feel more connected to one over another then that's fine. But I'm beginning to think that they've got too much personality to all be the same being.

Loki, for instance, is a definite presence I feel. I have mixed feelings on the matter, I admit. He brings a lot of chaos with him, certainly, and I'm very much not a chaotic person so it's been a little...entertaining, to say the least. But I'm enjoying it, which probably speaks to the need for a little more chaos in my life. *eyes the room* Not a lot, mind. Let's just keep on easing me into things, okay? *doubts he's going to listen to that*

So, really, given my history with these sorts of things I haven't been looking to connect to a goddess in particular or general. I don't know much about the, I guess it's called reconstructionist, form of paganism, really, so I don't know if people usually go looking for a connection to a god or if the god usually just sort of says, 'Hi there. You're mine.' And takes the person home like a new puppy. I don't know. So I wasn't expecting anything.

However, I've noticed a pattern, a goddess who keeps popping up in relation to my runes and just... seemingly random things in my life. Which, yes, I know if we're going from a strictly logical point of view then it could be entirely coincidental and my brain is registering it as a pattern because that's what our brains do. All I can say is that it doesn't feel like an accident. It's like with the Attack of the Tree from Halloween. Is it possible that it was just a thing that happened? Yes. Do I feel like it was just a thing? No. And so I don't think that it was just a random thing.

And I don't think this is a random thing either.

Freyja keeps popping up in my life, somehow.

The thing that amuses me the most is that if I were going to seek out a relationship with a goddess, she would not have been the one I chose. Mostly because I had a misunderstanding of her nature, to be honest. I was thinking of her as the Norse version of Aphrodite, whom I feel nothing for. So I was thinking of her as something like a cheerleader. Pretty and vacant. *is judgy, she knows* I would have gone for maybe Frigga, because I'm ambitious like that.

So, annoyed that of all people the *cheerleader* is the one that keeps butting in, I threw up my hands and decided to read a little bit about her. Hey, turns out, not the cheerleader. Actually, totally awesome and my kind of gal. Which I admit weighs on me in the 'not a coincidence' category. I could see it being subconscious pattern reading leading me there if I had known that Freyja fit in with the other goddesses that interested me, but I didn't. I thought she was a pretty ornament kind of goddess and nothing that I identified with.

My plan is to, when I get my altar set up, include Freyja and Loki on it and we'll see where we go from there.

Rambling - Why is the divine always so human?

I'm still reading American Jesus and finding it very interesting. One of the things that's struck me, as I'm sure it's meant to since it's a large part of the point of the book, is the different ways that people see Jesus. Every era seems to see him differently. At one point he's viewed as having gentler characteristics, love and patience in abundance. Kindness. Charity.

Then in the next era, when the culture has shifted, suddenly the focus is all on his martial attributes. Strength. Courage. Muscles...

Susanne did a couple of posts on the book over here, if you're interested. Anyway. Reading this book led me to thinking about other religious/historical/mythical personalities. It's telling, I think, how this pattern of the changing perception of these larger than life figures is the same across the board. Not that they go through the exact same permutations, but that with every shift in the priorities and drive of a specific culture the attributes of the religious figures change to match.

Which makes perfect sense if you view them as reflections of humanity. And that's what they are, whether or not they started out their existence as real human beings or not. Once a person hits the level of a religious figure to the degree where they are considered a prophet or a divine being, they have become mythological. Their lives are lifted up and examined as a path to emulate. And, because they were human, there are many facets to their personalities. So it's easy enough for each individual or culture to latch onto the aspects that they understand best or find most appealing and elevate them to the exclusion of any other characteristics. A very obvious problem with that is that it is not the entire picture of the person being focused on, leaving people with a very unbalanced personality to emulate.

Even when you take a figure that is not claimed to have been a human, say Odin, Loki, Isis or Bastet, their characteristics are many and varied and it's easy enough to focus on the ones that appeal to you to the near exclusion of others. And I don't think that there's anything necessarily *wrong* with that. It's human nature - we're not able to encompass *everything* at once and so we focus on the things that click with us. However I think it's important to keep an eye on the fact that what we find easiest to relate to is not the entirety of the being we're emulating or worshiping.

Anyway. My point, such as it is, is that all of our deities are rather human in the end. Because we're the ones doing the examining and the looking, our gods will reflect us to one degree or another. Even looking at the Christian god who is theoretically utterly inhuman (except for the part that is totally, perfectly human - the Incarnation, okay?), there are very human characteristics described into him. Part of that can be written as human limitation - we have only ourselves and the world around us to turn to for description and understanding and so of course the divine will be interpreted through that lens.

Does that mean that any of them are *actually* possessed of these human drives and characteristics? No. Probably not. It'd be terrible if the things controlling the continued existence of reality were just like us. Sometimes I wonder if the universe isn't more like a shark than a human. Meaning, it possesses a consciousness and a drive. It does what it does because that's what it does. Not out of affection or malice or belief. Just because that's what it does.

Change in the House of Amber - Restored Post

There are a few changes going on in my life right now, some you know about and some you don't

I decided to do a reading last night on a change that I've been feeling and seeing for a while now. The truth of the matter is that I've been feeling very disconnected from Christianity for a long time now. I've never been 100% comfortable with it, in spite of the face that I have tried to present to people. I made a choice based on in part wanting to keep the peace in my house and in part on wanting to irritate someone who was nasty to me. Which I think we can all agree are not good reasons to choose a religion.

And I want to say that I feel that, in spite of the wrong beginning, I really did believe. Or maybe it would be better to say that I decided that I should believe, that I wanted to believe and so I believed that I believed. I wasn't lying, or at least not to anyone but myself. But I never felt quite exactly like I meshed. I did have moments of comfort and happiness, where I felt as though I'd found someplace that I could belong. If I was just going on feelings I could happily keep plugging along under the label of Christian because I feel good about it.

But here's the honest truth: I don't see any difference between the claims of Christianity versus the claims of any other religion, ever. Yes, there are different details, but what I mean is that the likelihood of any one of these faiths being correct is equal. So there's no automatic greater weight to be applied to Christianity simply because it's monotheistic and monotheism is so much simpler and more logical than polytheism. First, that's not true. Just look at the debates that rage in Christianity, whether you're Trinitarian or Unitarian. Or Judaism or Islam. Second, monotheism has been tried before, in antiquity. It didn't take off quite as well as it later did but it's not new.

This...really has little to do with what I'm saying though. Other than accepting that fact has made it easier for me to step back and really evaluate what I'm doing. I think, in part, I wanted to be Christian, or at least in the monotheistic tradition because that's what is common. It's what is expected, in many ways, unless you've become an atheist.

The truth of the matter though is that I have always understood the universe and divinity best through paganism. I have to admit and accept that I never really left it, even when I said that I was a Christian and had done away with the old 'superstitions' of my life. I never stopped worshiping some of the gods in small ways. I never stopped feeling the need to perform certain rituals. And when I *did* stop them, something reached out and reminded me. I debated, within my own mind whether or not it was an accident and a coincidence or not. And I don't believe that it was. It's too perfect with meaning and with the devotion that I had let slip.

Since I picked that devotion back up, I've felt better. More settled in my own soul and things have been looking up in my life in general. I know now that in the past my religion has been unbalanced. I'm not going to pick it up exactly the way that I left it because I left it for a reason. I was allowing my anger to control a great many things and my form of worship was one of them. And that's why, I think, it didn't work the way it's working now.

I feel like I'm finally seeing the path that's been beneath my feet the entire time.

So, that was rambling, all to get to the reading. I use a set of rune cards, for the moment. I plan on making my own proper rune set but I need to make them in stone rather than clay since I sleep with the runes beneath my pillow and I'm afraid clay would break. For the moment, the cards work well enough.

The way I do a reading is really simple. I shuffle the deck while concentrating on the question or the event that I want insight on. When I feel that I've got the focus right and given enough time I cut the deck in half (roughly) and draw the card on top of the bottom half. That's the first card. I will usually draw two more cards to further focus and clarify the answer.

Last night I did two readings on the same issue. The issue being whether or not I was right to let go of Christianity and follow what I was feeling.

These are my cards from the first reading:

Cen (Freya) - Asa (Odin) - Mannaz

Right. So Cen (Kenaz) was my first card. It's associated, in this deck, with the goddess Freya. There are a *lot* of meanings on different levels associated with each rune but I'm just going to focus here on the ones that apply to my question. On the mental level Cen is associated with insight. Spiritually, it represents enlightenment, a spiritual awakening or opening. It is a sign of guidance, a reminder that the spirits (or gods) guide believers along their chosen paths.

My second card was Asa (Ansuz) which is associated with Odin. For those unaware, Odin is the chief god of the Norse pantheon. Again, many meanings but it is wisdom, the gaining of knowledge and religious acts. Inspiration.

My third card was Mannaz, or Man as the cards call it. The meanings attached to this are the human intellect, rationality, memory and tradition.

It's a very good, positive reading! I was surprise that the message was so very straightforward and positive without any pitfalls or notes of warning. You get that, sometimes, where there's a message of progress but it comes with a second card that warns of delays or blocks in your life. That's why you draw multiple cards, in order to see further.

I was so surprised by the goodness of this first reading that I did a second one!

Asa (Odin) - Sol - Algiz

I got the Asa/Ansuz card first this time. Which actually just about knocked me on my ass. I've never done two readings back to back as it were and gotten the same card in both. Never. So we remember from the first reading that Odin is associated with this rune and that it's wisdom and knowledge. I personally associate Odin with self-sacrifice in the name of knowledge.

Sol (Sowulo) is a rune that means success, or favorable circumstances.

Algiz is a rune associated with the god Heimdall who is said to be all seeing. There's nothing that can be hidden from him. He's considered a protective deity. It means protection, success through effort at the end of a quest or a period of seeking.

Which all boils down to me getting two readings on the same question with very similar answers. It's...I'm not going to lie. It's very awesome.

New Books!

The arrival of these books has totally made up for having to host a baby shower for two hours. The shower went well, by the way and Evesdottir is set up at least for a little while.

Now, on to the books!

The ones on Christ and God is Red are from sanil, thank you!

The others, the Eddas and the book on Asatru, are ones that I picked up earlier in the week.

My Life is Not Conducive to Organized Religion, Apparently

Okay, so here's the thing.

I do still desire and intend to convert to Eastern Orthodox at some point in my life. I'd rather it be sooner than later, but. But. Life gets in the way. And as life gets in the way it becomes less and less urgent feeling for me to do anything about it.

ETA: Or do I? I mean, thinking about it, if I was really believing down deep, wouldn't I say screw it! to all other concerns and go for it since the ultimate state of my soul depends on it? So perhaps I don't believe as I think (or tell myself) that I do since I'm clearly far more concerned with this life and the things I have to do in it.

I was composing a sort of letter/email (in my head) to the priest of the Greek church and I think it explains my issue so here it is, sort of. Not that this was ever meant to actually be sent, mind. I was thinking about all the problems and it's kind of a joking thing in my head.

Anyway.

Fr. _____,

Good afternoon. My name is Amber _____ and I'm contacting you to speak about converting to Orthodoxy.

I'm certain that you have a regular program for how a conversion would be accomplished, but I'm fairly certain that I would be unable to attend it. Let me explain.

I work a full time job, Monday through Friday, 8 am to 5 pm. In a very necessary bid to get my health back I have a personal trainer. I see her Monday's and Wednesday's from 5:30 to 6:45, after which I have another hour of cardio that I cannot miss. On Tuesday's and Thursday's I must do another hour and a half of cardio. Due to the religion of the owners of the gym my trainer works out of they are closed Friday evening and Saturday (they're Seventh Day Adventists), so in order to get in 5 days of exercise I have to use the gym on Sundays. Due to abbreviated Sunday hours, I am unable to attend Divine Liturgy with any sort of regularity, which is why you wouldn't recognize me. I am also unable to afford to pay for a second gym membership in order to be able to exercise on a Friday or a Saturday.

In addition to the above, I am going back to college starting next semester (January). Which means that I will be taking classes, online as much as possible, but there will likely be some classes I can only take at night which will limit my schedule even more. And those classes will change from semester to semester which means that it is impossible to establish a definite day that I could attend religious instruction.

In other words, I believe that the Orthodox church is the church left by Christ and would like to become a member. However, my life is not conducive to it and I don't have any wiggle room in which to fix that. So unless I can convert by correspondence course without actually having to attend Divine Liturgy on a regular/semi-regular/at all for the next couple of years, then it's going to have to wait.

-

And this is why it would be easier to not bother with organized religion at all, or to return to a personal, private tribal based practice. Then it wouldn't matter that I can't get to the classes or attend the services.

I have no idea what this means, if it means anything at all. Really.

Okay, okay, so I said earlier about how we shouldn't read into things too much, right? Right?

So I shouldn't read too much into the fact that the tree that I cut myself on on Halloween was a birch tree, right?

For those who don't know why I'm flailing around like a small nutter...according to what I remember the birch is represented by the rune berkana (it looks like a sharp B) which has meanings of renewal, healing, recovery, physical or spiritual regeneration, a new growth from old roots, and motherhood. Though I think we can safely ignore the 'motherhood' portion right now.

Also, as I recall, sacred to Thor and Frigga (as well as other goddesses but I can't remember which ones right now).

*And* well, a whole lot of other things.

Coincidence...coincidence...coincidence...