Monday, December 30, 2013

There's only one end for all living things.

Words become harsher the more precise they get.

A stomach pain becomes an infection that turns into inflamed lymph nodes. Inflamed becomes growths becomes masses becomes tumours becomes cancer.

Cancer that wasn't there three months ago. Cancer that has spread from my grandmothers lungs (where tumours surround her lung) to her abdomen (where a tumour presses on her stomach) to her spine.

The doctors are still doing tests - they know that the cancer hasn't spread to her bones and they swear that there's none in her brain but none of the news that comes is good. She's weak, she can't (or maybe won't) eat and so she's malnourished and dehydrated in spite of the fluids she's receiving through the IV. Her pain is high and stays there in spite of the different drugs they've been trying.

She's confused and forgetful - more than she was a week ago when she went into the hospital. We're not sure if it's the lack of nutrients (she 'eats' a single Ensure a day and refuses to eat more - her doctor has told her that if she won't try to eat more he will put a tube in her stomach - sometimes threats are the only way to work with my grandmother) or the pain killers (we have doubts as do the doctors - she was unable to spell her own name this afternoon and she hadn't had any strong pain killers today) or something else that we just don't know yet.

My cousin doesn't think she'll last a week.

The doctors keep talking about sending her to 'rehab' which I think is code for 'hospice' but no one is admitting it yet since her cancer hasn't been fine-tooth diagnosed. They think it's lung cancer, which only makes sense. My grandmother has smoked for sixty odd years. I'd be surprised if it was anything other than lung cancer.

I don't believe that she will ever go home again.

She wants to finish the crib quilt that she started for Baby Bakin' but we all know that right now she couldn't do it. She can't stand up without help.

She's cold all the time, in spite of running the heater in the room and the mountain of blankets piled on her.

I don't suppose that it will surprise anyone when I say that we're praying. I don't know what my parents are praying for but I'm not looking for a miracle. I don't believe that one is needed. This isn't a life being cut short, this is a life well lived coming to its natural end.

I pray for ease and peace for my grandmother and strength for my family, especially my mother on whom so many decisions rest.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

*taps mic*

ETA: That moment when a day later you realize that you used the wrong 'mike' in your title. *hides in shame* English is my ONLY LANGUAGE AND I CANNOT USE IT CORRECTLY!

Sheesh this place is dusty.

Okay, gonna try and be a good blogger (or any kind of blogger at all really) and get going again for the new year.

I've been busy at work with the new job, so that's awesome. Nearly got myself fired once (well, I *feel* like I nearly should have been fired because I made a huge mistake but no one was like, 'If you do this again...*cutting motions over throat*' but I felt super shitty about it)

My best friend is pregnant. Again. Funnily, she's due the same week her first baby (Evesdottir) was born. So that should be fun. Also I've been asked to be a Labor Assistant or some slightly longer title which I translate to, 'Hold my hand while I scream and see things you never wanted to see!' but also I get to see Baby Bakin' (2nd childs nickname which we are all never, never, EVER telling Eve, okay?) being born and that will be awesome.

And possibly traumatising.

I have been crowned the Queen of the Bad Words because I accidentally said 'Fuck' in front of a ten year old.

Who proceeded to rat me out to my mother. (She works at the school he attends.)

Yet I still have no crown. Which is sad.

Nothing much has changed except that I might have a Lego problem. I started with one tiny set and um...they may have taken over.

I regret nothing.

My grandmother is in the hospital and we're just sort of waiting to see what happens. According to the doctors she either has an infection, which they can treat, or she has cancer which they may or may not be able to treat. So it's wait and see at this point. They have to biopsy the masses in her chest and stomach and they're going to do that this weekend, possibly, if they can get her liver and kidneys to where they need to be (she has other health problems with those organs that have nothing to do with the masses - she's 83 and not in superb health).

I have seen the Hobbit far more times than is healthy and I would see it again and again.
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