Warnings: There's a rude gesture at the end. Picture quality is variable. Life is hard. Water is wet.
*wanders onto a Muslim messaging board*
"Salaam! My name's Amber and I'm a recent convert. I'm very happy to have found you all and I hope you'll have patience with me as I try to learn more about my faith."
"Salaam! Mashallah sister, welcome!..."
"...but sister, where is your hijab? Where is your haya? Please, sister, consider Allah's instructions in the Qur'an, this is best for your iman."
"Salaam! There aren't a lot of Muslims where I live and I have been having trouble learning how to perform salaah properly. I was wondering if any of you had advice on where to look online?"
"Salaam, sister! Mashallah, you look beautiful in your hijab! But is that make-up? Astaghfirullah! Such adornments should be for your husband only! They draw too much attention and invite fitnah!"
"Salaam! I am struggling to make the five daily prayers, especially fajr. Is there any advice for what I can do to help motivate myself? I know that the prayers are beneficial, and I love them, but no matter what I do I can't seem to get up consistently."
"Salaam, sister. Your hijab...there is too much color. The sunnah of the Prophet (SAW) shows us that black is the best color. I tell you this for the good of your iman and so that you are not a fitnah to others."
"Salaam, I'm still hoping to get some advice about my salaah. Especially going into Ramadan I want to make an effort to solidify my practice."
"Salaam, sister, I say this with the best of intentions, but even your face is an attraction. We are told to lower our gaze, but sister, you must take responsibility as well. Your adornments are only to be for your husband, sister."
"Salaam, I have found a masjid in the next town over but I'm having a hard time finding a way to fit in. I'm shy, unfortunately, and there aren't many converts at the masjid."
"Salaam, sister. The color. It's not appropriate. The sunnah is black. And your niqab is not proper. There is still too much temptation."
"Salaam, I was wondering if any of you had ideas about how to approach my HR department about prayer space at my work? I usually use an empty conference room but the other day someone walked in on me and it was a little awkward."
"Salaam, sister. Your eyes are too alluring."
"Salaam, I - "
"Sister, you should not be speaking to non-mahram men. Ask your husband these questions and please, for the sake of your haya, be silent with other men. Also, sister, your name. You should change it to a good Arabic name."
"Salaam. I will not be changing my name. There is nothing un-Islamic about Amber.
"Also, dear brothers, who have been offering me such unsolicited advice, I would like you to reflect on a verse from the Qur'an.
"'Say to the believing men to cast their gaze down and guard their modesty; that is purer for them; verily God is all-Aware of what they do.' Surat an-Nur, ayah 30.
"You worry about your gaze and I'll worry about mine. Capiche?"