“Envy eats nothing but its own heart” - German proverb

"Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own." - Harold Coffin

We all want things we don't or can't have. Even if you live a 'plain' life, you'll want things. You'll want a new washing line, a new cow, a new loft in the barn, new shoes, new quilts, new glasses, etc. I don't think that desiring things that we don't have counts as envy. I want lots of things, things that aren't even useful, or needful, but I want them. Why? Oh, many, many reasons. Acquisitiveness, maybe, or my love of them. Sometimes, they're even useful things. (But not all the time, by any stretch of the imagination.) But I can see someone else *with* that thing, and admire it, and think, 'oh, I wish I could afford/find/have room for one of those' *without* considering the person who does have it. They're (most of the time) not a part of the equation to me. I don't feel a pang of anger that *they* have it and *I* don't. I don't wail about the unfairness of the universe, that they should have this thing I so desire, and I can't.

I'm not saying I've *never* envied anyone. I don't recall any times, to be honest, but that doesn't mean that they never happened. I'm just saying I don't make a habit of it.

But I know people who do, and they want others to *know* about this unfair balance in the cosmos, so that the others can commiserate with them, and feel those sick, stabbing pains too.

Let's take the incident this morning. I was talking with a girl in another department about her department head. We were wondering if he was coming in, because his 'deputy' was off today, and no one had seen him. We joked that he was like a little kid saying, 'Mom's not home, so I'll skip school!' and then we moved on. Another woman I work with muttered something about him being a 'rich momma's boy', and 'whining to mommy and getting a new car'. She said that last a couple times, and you can just *feel* the (oh, I'm gonna sound new agey here, but whatever), the negativity, the *sourness* rolling off, in her tone, in her posture. She was *pissed* about this, and, yeah, jealous. Envious. After a few times of her saying it, I finally asked, 'did his mom buy him a new car?' 'YEAH!' 'okay' and I turned back to my work. She finished what she was doing, and went back to her desk, silent. And, seriously, it left me a little nauseous.

I mean, what difference does it make who bought who what? Is being mad about it going to suddenly make a new *yadda* appear for you? Do you think God is going to lean down and go, 'YOU'RE RIGHT, THAT'S NOT FAIR. HERE YOU GO. HAVE ONE. HAVE A DOZEN!' Nope. All that happens is you harbor this black emotion in your heart, deep down, and it poisons you. You focus on all the things you don't have, and how wrong it is that other people (people who don't need/deserve them as much as *you* do) *do* have them. How is that good? How is that constructive? Can't you be happy for the other person? Even if you don't *like* the other person, if you can't be *happy* for them, can't you just be neutral about it?

Weigh Too Much

Yesterday was my third day with Julie (my trainer).

I see her twice a week, on Monday and Wednesday. I get to the gym and am changed and ready by about 5:30, typically. So I get on the treadmill and walk at a '3' on it until 6:15, which is my time with her. When I don't go to the gym, I've started meeting a friend of mine who lives down the road from my work (she of the snake incident) and we walk a local park, which takes us about 45 minutes. On the weekends, I've been doing my treadmill at home at about a '2.7' for a half-hour (my home treadmill seems to be faster than the ones at the gym). With Julie, we do the weight machines, free weights, and 'abs' (which are terrible and I hate them *so much*.) Last night she introduced the recumbent bike, and wants me to do 20 minutes of that on gym days, so she said to warm up on the treadmill for 5 minutes, go to the bike for ten minutes, keeping my pace in the 70-80's range, to get my breathing and heart rate up, break back to the treadmill and then back to the bike for another ten minutes. *Amber falls over dead at the thought* The bike was *hard*. Of course, I actually *have* a recumbent bike at home. It's not as fancy as the ones at the gym, but my plan is to bike on it on my non-gym days, in addition to the park walking/treadmill, and therefore get better at it faster.

I've given up soda entirely, today is day three without any soda. So far, no deaths have occurred. She's given me a checklist of daily food. It breaks it down into how many servings of each 'category' of food you can have, as opposed to telling you you can only eat a, b and c. It comes along with a sheet telling you how much of each 'category' makes up a serving (but I forgot to bring that, so I can't scan it for you.) Tuesday and Wednesday I ate a salad for lunch (1 cup lettuce, 1/2 cup carrots, 1/2 cup cucumber, 1 oz. low fat cheese, 1/2 cup avocado and 1 tbsp dressing), had my usual banana for breakfast, and a 1/2 cup of dates for a 'snack' around 3 pm. Despite my whining on Monday night when she gave me my new food guidelines, I did not starve, and in fact was not hungry all day. The only reason I ate the dates was I didn't want to get hungry later on, and I'm trying to space out my food intake. Dinner was whatever was cooked, I just measured/weighed out my portions and ate only that. And again, I wasn't *hungry*. I didn't feel the need to have a snack later in the evening. So. That's how the food thing is going. Exercise is going well too. I'm keeping up with my plan, and when we were discussing it last night, Julie says she's proud of what I've been doing.

She has me sitting up straight from my chair at work, not leaning back against the back of the chair. She wants me to get up and walk a little every half hour. I haven't been doing that, but rather, every time I print something (which is quite often) I get up immediately to get it, rather than building up a pile at the printer and then going to get it. Julie says that works too. :)

I'm including a copy of my checklist so ya'll can see it.


It likely doesn't make a whole heck of a lot of sense without the sheet to tell you how much a serving is, but this just shows you how many servings I'm allowed to have. The one thing that pains me (okay, not the *one* - I miss dairy. Not in like, a physical way, but I *love* cottage cheese, and I'm not allowed to sit down and eat a little tub of it anymore. *pouts*) is the meat. Only a 1/4 lb. of meat per day. *weeps* So I can't have meat in my salads! But the avocado makes a good substitute, and possibly nuts. But I haven't tried that yet. Today I have a sandwich for lunch. Peanut butter. Yum. (No, no jelly. I like Peanut butter sandwiches.)

eta: Julie's goal is for me to loose at least two pounds a week. Monday was the first day she weighed me (and God, was that ever *painful* - I'm not telling ya'll how much I weigh, suffice it to say, it's a *lot*. Like....a *lot*. You know those people on Biggest Loser? Yeah, like in that category of 'a lot'.), so next Monday we'll weigh me again and see.

Deuteronomy 6:5

You shall love the Lord your God from your whole heart, from your whole soul, and from your whole power.

Theophany

Today is the Feast of the Theophany (or Epiphany, to some, though that really more refers to the coming of the Magi to Christ in the cradle, which happens to fall on the same day, even though it's apparently being celebrated this coming Sunday, according to the missalette I was looking at...). It is the feast commemorating the Baptism of Christ, and the appearance of God (which is what theophany means, by the by), the revelation of the Holy Trinity to the world. (For Biblical references, see Mt.3:13-17; Mark 1:9-11; Luke 3:21-22 - all of which tell the story of Christ's baptism by St. John the Forerunner (or Baptist, to some) in the Jordan.

There Comes a Time...

when one must face reality.

The DRE just sent out an email talking about next years classes, etc. and one of the things she wanted to know was whether or not we (the entire group of teachers was emailed) wanted to continue in this ministry next year.

And I emailed her back and said 'no'.

It's not that I don't love teaching the kids. Much as they occasionally make me want to pull my hair out, they're great.

The fact of the matter is that I can't teach the class while I'm in 'limbo' between Catholicism and Orthodoxy. It's not fair to the kids, and it's not honest for me to teach them why the Pope is capable of infallible teaching, or the sole head of the church, when I don't really believe that he is. It's not honest for me to teach them the Nicene Creed (in the form the Catholic church uses) when I can't justify the filioque (and, confession time, have been dropping it myself for maybe a month now...).

(And just for the record, these are not the only things I'm having issues with, just the only ones that I've had to teach to the kids.)

It's not fair to any of us, and I can't do it anymore. I'm going to finish assisting this year, but after that, I'm done.

Book: The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

First book of the new year, and it was lovely and brilliant.

In my quest, quite a while back, for good Biblical fiction, I picked this book up, and unfortunately just got around to reading it. Now that I've read it, I can say I wish I'd read it earlier. It's just a good, well written book. Is it historically accurate in all respects? No, I'd say not. But, dear people, it's *fiction* which means that you are (as the author) licensed to make things up. So. Bearing that in mind, it's an excellent book.

The author takes a character who isn't even in the Bible long enough to be called a 'minor' character, maybe she'd be a 'footnote', an 'extra', if we were going to label people from the Bible that way, and weaves a 321 page novel around her.

The narrator, the 'main character' of the novel is Dinah, daughter of Jacob and Leah from the Bible. Remember her? Maybe, maybe not. She's not in the Bible nearly as much as her brothers, who are *many*. You'll remember them, there were twelve....ten of them chucked Joseph into a well? That whole debacle of brotherly love? Well, assuming you don't recall who Dinah is, go back and read Genesis 34. In my Bible the chapter is given the title 'The Violation of Dinah'.

The author creates her story from this chapter (and she says she was aided by midrash in her storytelling, but gives no references, so I can't tell you what she got from where. Fiction, though, so remember that and give her space.). The novel runs from before Dinah's birth to her death, and the story of her 'violation' is not the central part of the novel. It's about her whole life, though that period is, of course, covered. However, in Mrs. Diamant's story, it was not rape, and her brothers committed terrible crimes when they descended on the city and murdered and raped and stole. (In fact, Dinah mentions, many years after the fact, that her father's name, Jacob, had become synonymous with 'liar' because of the slaughter, and that's why he had changed his name to Isra'el.) But all that comes much later in the story.

We start (before Dinah is born), with the story of how her father and mothers met and married. It follows the Biblical story, Jacob meeting Rachel at the well, offering his service to Laban for her hand, and being 'tricked' into marrying Leah first, instead. However, the details (wherein the devil resides) are a bit changed. I like the fact that Leah is not treated as the 'ugly', undesirable sister, but rather, beautiful herself (though exceptionally tall, apparently), and the 'weakness in her eyes', was not that she couldn't see, but that they were two different colors (one blue, one green) which made most people look away from her (her eyes causing *them* to be weak, see?). She becomes infatuated with Jacob when he meets her eyes and doesn't flinch away. So, roll on to the wedding, through the manipulation of Zilpah (who is a sister to Leah and Rachel through one of Laban's slaves, as is Bilhah), Rachel is afraid of lying with Jacob, and Leah takes pity on her, even though she's convinced that Jacob will have to know it's Leah and reject her, and thus 'ruin' her. Now, in the story, Leah is *much* taller than Rachel, and bigger, more muscular. Veil or no veil, Jacob knew it wasn't Rachel he was marrying. But, in this story, Jacob had fallen for *both* the sisters, and married Leah willingly. They hatch the scheme, together, during their 'honeymoon' of seven days, for Jacob to come out of the tent and accuse Laban of tricking him, and demand Zilpah as dowry for Leah, and to be given Rachel as his wife for seven more months of labor. (Which, since Laban is portrayed as a drunk, he winds up agreeing to, because *he* was too drunk to realize the wrong daughter was getting married...)

Anyway. It's interesting, Rachel is portrayed as jealous of Leah and Jacob's relationship. Because, even though she's the pretty one, the one he wanted to marry, Leah and Jacob have the better relationship. They laugh together, they enjoy one another, whereas Rachel views her nights with Jacob as a duty, and Leah a joy. And when Leah keeps having children, and Rachel keeps miscarrying...well. Dinah does mention, many times, that her mother Leah and her aunt-mother Rachel never speak directly to each other - they speak through their handmaids, the other wives, Bilhah and Zilpah, or through other women. And this, as far as she knows, goes on until Rachel's death. They live together, they work together, and when needed help one another, but they can't quite seem to forgive one another for each having a part of Jacob.

I like this much better than the previous book I read that covered the relationship between Jacob and Rachel and Leah, because Leah is not portrayed as a victim, as the poor, suffering, wronged girl. She lives a good life, in this book - her husband loves her, differently than he loves Rachel, or Bilhah, or even Zilpah, but he *does* love them all. It doesn't make him perfect, because he *does* screw up, but then, so do all of them. It's a good book - the characters are realistic. They're *human*, and you can almost picture this as being 'between the lines' of the Biblical stories.

Now - if you don't want to read about the continued practice of goddess worship in Biblical figures (not Jacob, but his wives), don't read the book. If hints about certain characters performing acts of grievous wrong to sheep bother you (Laban, nameless boys), don't read the book. Or squint when it comes up, because it's brief and then gone. And if subtle hints about the sexual preferences of a major Biblical figure (Joseph) bother you, look away towards the end of the book. But, even given all of that, I loved this book, and would recommend it to anyone who can keep the distinction between history and historical fiction straight.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!!!!!! and 2009 book final count

My final count on books read in 2009 is 135. For a list, see below:

1. Living with the Dead - Kelley Armstrong
2. Wish You Were Here - Rita Mae Brown
3. Rest in Pieces - Rita Mae Brown (1/7/09)
4. Murder at Monticello - Rita Mae Brown (1/9/09)
5. Pay Dirt - Rita Mae Brown (1/11/09)
6. Murder, She Meowed – Rita Mae Brown (1/14/09)
7. Hot Cops – Shane Allison (ed) (1/15/09)
8. Murder on the Prowl – Rita Mae Brown (1/16/09)
9. Cat on the Scent – Rita Mae Brown (1/19/09)
10. Pawing Through the Past – Rita Mae Brown (1/21/09)
11. Catch as Cat Can – Rita Mae Brown (1/30/09)
12. The Tail of the Tip-Off – Rita Mae Brown
13. Whisker of Evil – Rita Mae Brown (2/5/09)
14. Men of the Otherworld – Kelley Armstrong (2/6/09)
15. The Lost Temple of Karttikeya – Laura Baumbach (2/7/09)
16. Roughhousing – Laura Baumbach (2/10/09)
17. Out There in the Night – Laura Baumbach (2/10/09)
18. Furies of Calderon – Jim Butcher (2/17/09)
19. Academ’s Fury – Jim Butcher (2/20/09)
20. Catechism of the Catholic Church (2/21/09)
21. Cursor’s Fury – Jim Butcher (2/24/09)
22. Living Islam Out Loud – Saleemah Abdul-Ghafur (ed) (2/25/09)
23. In the Land of Invisible Women – Qanta A. Ahmed, M.D. (2/28/09)
24. The Caged Virgin – Ayaan Hirsi Ali (3/5/09)
25. Infidel – Ayaan Hirsi Ali (3/11/09)
26. An Exorcist Tells His Story – Gabriele Amorth (3/17/09)
27. Captain’s Fury – Jim Butcher (4/10/09)
28. Princeps’ Fury – Jim Butcher (4/14/09)
29. Tangled Webs – Anne Bishop (4/15/09)
30. Welcome to the Jungle – Jim Butcher (4/16/09)
31. Storm Front – Jim Butcher (4/25/09)
32. Caged Slave – Yuiko Takamura (5/2/09)
33. Qur’an – Abdullah Yusuf Ali (trans.) (5/9/09)
34. Fool Moon – Jim Butcher (5/10/09)
35. Happy Hour at Casa Dracula – Marta Acosta (5/14/09)
36. Grave Peril – Jim Butcher (5/30/09)
37. The Orthodox Church – Kallistos Ware (6/1/09)
38. Dragon Actually – G.A. Aiken – (6/3/09)
39. The Orthodox Way – Kallistos Ware (6/8/09)
40. Summer Knight – Jim Butcher (6/14/09)
41. Storm Front Vol. 1: The Gathering Storm – Jim Butcher (6/15/09)
42. The Pretend Wife – Bridget Asher (6/16/09)
43. Blood Rites – Jim Butcher (6/27/09)
44. Tempt Me With Darkness – Shayla Black (6/27/09)
45. Dead Beat – Jim Butcher (7/1/09)
46. Proven Guilty – Jim Butcher (7/3/09)
47. White Night – Jim Butcher (7/4/09)
48. Small Favor – Jim Butcher (7/5/09)
49. Backup – Jim Butcher (7/5/09)
50. Mean Streets – (anth.) Jim Butcher (7/7/09)
51. Turn Coat – Jim Butcher (7/8/09)
52. The Sacred Bones – Michael Byrnes (7/10/09)
53. Sarah – Orson Scott Card (7/12/09)
54. Rebekah – Orson Scott Card (7/13/09)
55. Rachel & Leah – Orson Scott Card (7/14/09)
56. Kushiel’s Dart – Jacqueline Carey (7/19/09)
57. Kushiel’s Chosen – Jacqueline Carey (7/22/09)
58. Kushiel’s Avatar – Jacqueline Carey (8/1/09)
59. An Exorcist: More Stories – Fr. Gabriele Amorth (8/6/09)
60. Kushiel’s Scion – Jacqueline Carey (8/15/09)
61. Kushiel’s Justice – Jacqueline Carey (8/19/09)
62. Kushiel’s Mercy – Jacqueline Carey (8/23/09)
63. Naamah’s Kiss – Jacqueline Carey (8/24/09)
64. Santa Olivia – Jacqueline Carey (8/26/09)
65. The Devil You Know – Mike Carey (9/7/09)
66. Vicious Circle – Mike Carey (9/9/09)
67. The Accidental Human – Dakota Cassidy (9/10/09)
68. Let Us Attend – Fr. Lawrence Farley (9/22/09)
69. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay – Michael Chabon (9/24/09)
70. The Lost Symbol – Dan Brown (9/30/09)
71. Dead Men’s Boots –Mike Carey (10/3/09)
72. Murder in the Raw – C.S. Challinor (10/3/09)
73. Sea Dragon Heir – Storm Constantine (10/7/09)
74. The Thorn Boy & Other Dreams of Dark Desire – Storm Constantine (10/10/09)
75. Wraeththu – Storm Constantine (10/11/09)
76. Star Trek – Alan Dean Foster (10/13/09)
77. Frostbitten – Kelley Armstrong (10/16/09)
78. Sharpe’s Tiger – Bernard Cornwell (10/19/09)
79. Sharpe’s Triumph – Bernard Cornwell (10/22/09)
80. Thicker Than Water – Mike Carey (10/26/09)
81. The Naming of the Beasts – Mike Carey (10/28/09)
82. Sharpe’s Fortress – Bernard Cornwell (10/29/09)
83. Sharpe’s Trafalgar – Bernard Cornwell (10/30/09)
84. 52 – Greg Cox (10/31/09)
85. Iron Man – Peter David (10/31/09)
86. Catering to Nobody – Diane Mott Davidson (11/1/09)
87. New Moon – Stephenie Meyer (11/4/09)
88. Dying for Chocolate – Diane Mott Davidson (11/5/09)
89. The Cereal Murders – Diane Mott Davidson (11/7/09)
90. The Last Suppers – Diane Mott Davidson (11/9/09)
91. Killer Pancake – Diane Mott Davidson (11/12/09)
92. The Main Corpse – Diane Mott Davidson (11/16/09)
93. The Grilling Season – Diane Mott Davidson (11/19/09)
94. Bread & Water, Wine & Oil: An Orthodox Christian Experience of God – Archimandrite Meletios Webber (11/21/09)
95. Prime Cut – Diane Mott Davidson (11/21/09)
96. Tough Cookie – Diane Mott Davidson (11/22/09)
97. Sticks & Scones – Diane Mott Davidson (11/25/09)
98. Chopping Spree – Diane Mott Davidson (11/27/09)
99. Double Shot – Diane Mott Davidson (11/29/09)
100. First Lord’s Fury – Jim Butcher (12/01/09)
101. Burning Alive – Shannon K. Butcher (12/01/09)
102. Anything Goes – John Barrowman (12/02/09)
103. The Didache: Text, Translation, Analysis and Commentary – Aaron Milavec (12/04/09)
104. Eclipse – Stephenie Meyer (12/05/09)
105. The Face Behind the Veil – Donna Gehrke-White (12/07/09)
106. Dark Tort – Diane Mott Davidson (12/09/09)
107. Ghost in the Mirror – Leslie Rule (12/10/09)
108. Breaking Dawn – Stephenie Meyer (12/12/09)
109. Heart Full of Lies – Ann Rule (12/13/09)
110. Sweet Revenge – Diane Mott Davidson (12/13/09)
111. Abraham’s Children – Jon Entine (12/14/09)
112. Dead Over Heels – Mary Janice Davidson (12/14/09)
113. Demon’s Delight – Mary Janice Davidson (12/14/09)
114. Sleeping with the Fishes – Mary Janice Davidson (12/15/09)
115. Swimming Without a Net – Mary Janice Davidson (12/16/09)
116. Fish Out of Water – Mary Janice Davidson (12/17/09)
117. Hello, Gorgeous – Mary Janice Davidson (12/18/09)
118. Drop Dead, Gorgeous – Mary Janice Davidson (12/20/09)
119. Mysteria – Mary Janice Davidson (12/22/09)
120. Undead and Unwed – Mary Janice Davidson (12/23/09)
121. Cravings – Mary Janice Davidson (12/24/09)
122. Undead and Unemployed – Mary Janice Davidson (12/24/09)
123. Undead and Unappreciated – Mary Janice Davidson (12/24/09)
124. Undead and Unreturnable – Mary Janice Davidson (12/25/09)
125. Undead and Unpopular – Mary Janice Davidson (12/25/09)
126. Undead and Uneasy – Mary Janice Davidson (12/25/09)
127. Undead and Unworthy – Mary Janice Davidson (12/26/09)
128. Really Unusual Bad Boys – Mary Janice Davidson (12/26/09)
129. The Royal Treatment – Mary Janice Davidson (12/27/09)
130. The Royal Pain – Mary Janice Davidson (12/28/09)
131. The Royal Mess – Mary Janice Davidson (12/28/09)
132. Dead and Loving It – Mary Janice Davidson (12/29/09)
133. Derik’s Bane – Mary Janice Davidson (12/30/09)
134. Secrets Vol. 6 – Mary Janice Davidson (12/31/09)
135. Secrets Vol. 8 – Mary Janice Davidson (12/31/09)

This year (2010, for those not paying attention), we will include my manga tankoubon, because I think they should count. But not comics or magazines, cause that would just be *silly.*