Random Headcovering Thoughts

I don't really talk all that much about covering, I've realized.

Some people talk about it on their blogs all the time, which is great, but I don't. And I think it's because it's become simply a part of my life at this point. I've 'adapted'. Sure, I go through patches where I want to cover more, or less, or something like that, but I can't imagine *not* covering. (I've actually had nightmares akin to the realizing you're naked kind of nightmares where I'm out in public and realize I'm not wearing a scarf. That level of, 'Aaahhhhhhhh!')

It'll be two years in July since I first started covering with my little snoods. :) Most people in my life don't know that I cover for religious reasons - they think that I just 'like them'. An odd fashion statement, if you will. :) I visited someone that I used to work with, she left before I started covering, and I've seen her since then, but she's never asked before, about the scarves. So, this time, she asked. Now, I *know* that she's a very religious person. So I told her that I wore the scarves because I believe it's something that God told me to do. But, the getting out of my mouth of that simple sentence is SO HARD! And I don't know why.

Maybe because I find that I can't point to this, that and the other thing and say, see. Because yes, I have the Bible where St. Paul instructs that women should cover their hair. And we have the witness of the ancient church (and not so ancient). All well and good. But, for me, at least, that's not even really the main reason why. I wear it because it's something that I felt *compelled* to do. I found all the 'back up' for it *after* I started feeling this urge to cover. (It's a good thing, too, because hijab (and by extension Islam) was insanely attractive to me before I found out that I could cover as a Christian.) It's just something that I feel I*have* to do.

Just me, no one else. I mean, yeah, I love that there are other women who cover. I think it'd be wonderful if there were more! (After all, I've only ever seen two other women in my community who cover, and both were hijabis. And I feel kind of creepy and stalkerish just running up to random hijabi's and glomping them in headcovering joy.) But I can't go around lecturing women on why *they* should cover because for me, I feel like it's different. It's totally a *me* issue.

The 'scarf' has helped me in so many ways. My temper has...let's go with 'improved', but it's really more that, I still lose my temper. I rant and rave and snap at people for no good reason at all sometimes. But, I *know*, afterward, that I've done wrong. And I actually make myself go and apologize. Which is not something I would have ever done even a year ago.

Of course, there's a problem, too, in that I think I sort of use it to hide. When I'm feeling threatened or vulnerable are the times when I want to go 'full hijab' and *hide* in it. (I used to use my long hair the same way. Like a shield between me and the rest of the world.) Which is not a good thing since I have 'social anxiety issues' in the first place. We had an almost incident where my step-father *spit* was trying to contact my mother for who the hell knows what insane reason, and I wanted to whip out my niqab and use that when I had to go out in public. 'Just in case' he was there, so he wouldn't see me. Because I hate him, but there's also a part of me that's still afraid of him. And I think it's the fear that fuels the hate, really, but I don't see that going away until he's six feet under and I can dance on his grave. *Is aware this is un-Christian and doesn't care.*

Anyway. So, I think that I don't talk about it for two reasons: 1) as far as I'm concerned, it's a part of my clothing. I wouldn't leave home without it. 2) I'm uncomfortable 'teaching' about it because I can't say, 'ALL women should wear it'. I think it's a *personal* devotion that you have to have in your heart.

Welp. That was rambly.