Thursday, April 8, 2010

Random Headcovering Thoughts

I don't really talk all that much about covering, I've realized.

Some people talk about it on their blogs all the time, which is great, but I don't. And I think it's because it's become simply a part of my life at this point. I've 'adapted'. Sure, I go through patches where I want to cover more, or less, or something like that, but I can't imagine *not* covering. (I've actually had nightmares akin to the realizing you're naked kind of nightmares where I'm out in public and realize I'm not wearing a scarf. That level of, 'Aaahhhhhhhh!')

It'll be two years in July since I first started covering with my little snoods. :) Most people in my life don't know that I cover for religious reasons - they think that I just 'like them'. An odd fashion statement, if you will. :) I visited someone that I used to work with, she left before I started covering, and I've seen her since then, but she's never asked before, about the scarves. So, this time, she asked. Now, I *know* that she's a very religious person. So I told her that I wore the scarves because I believe it's something that God told me to do. But, the getting out of my mouth of that simple sentence is SO HARD! And I don't know why.

Maybe because I find that I can't point to this, that and the other thing and say, see. Because yes, I have the Bible where St. Paul instructs that women should cover their hair. And we have the witness of the ancient church (and not so ancient). All well and good. But, for me, at least, that's not even really the main reason why. I wear it because it's something that I felt *compelled* to do. I found all the 'back up' for it *after* I started feeling this urge to cover. (It's a good thing, too, because hijab (and by extension Islam) was insanely attractive to me before I found out that I could cover as a Christian.) It's just something that I feel I*have* to do.

Just me, no one else. I mean, yeah, I love that there are other women who cover. I think it'd be wonderful if there were more! (After all, I've only ever seen two other women in my community who cover, and both were hijabis. And I feel kind of creepy and stalkerish just running up to random hijabi's and glomping them in headcovering joy.) But I can't go around lecturing women on why *they* should cover because for me, I feel like it's different. It's totally a *me* issue.

The 'scarf' has helped me in so many ways. My temper has...let's go with 'improved', but it's really more that, I still lose my temper. I rant and rave and snap at people for no good reason at all sometimes. But, I *know*, afterward, that I've done wrong. And I actually make myself go and apologize. Which is not something I would have ever done even a year ago.

Of course, there's a problem, too, in that I think I sort of use it to hide. When I'm feeling threatened or vulnerable are the times when I want to go 'full hijab' and *hide* in it. (I used to use my long hair the same way. Like a shield between me and the rest of the world.) Which is not a good thing since I have 'social anxiety issues' in the first place. We had an almost incident where my step-father *spit* was trying to contact my mother for who the hell knows what insane reason, and I wanted to whip out my niqab and use that when I had to go out in public. 'Just in case' he was there, so he wouldn't see me. Because I hate him, but there's also a part of me that's still afraid of him. And I think it's the fear that fuels the hate, really, but I don't see that going away until he's six feet under and I can dance on his grave. *Is aware this is un-Christian and doesn't care.*

Anyway. So, I think that I don't talk about it for two reasons: 1) as far as I'm concerned, it's a part of my clothing. I wouldn't leave home without it. 2) I'm uncomfortable 'teaching' about it because I can't say, 'ALL women should wear it'. I think it's a *personal* devotion that you have to have in your heart.

Welp. That was rambly.

14 comments:

  1. actually not rambly at all.... I feel the same as you do... naked without but not for me to tell others 'this is something they must do'

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  2. I enjoyed this.

    Sometimes I want to run up to hijabis too and go "YOU ARE HIJABI!" and hug them....but that would be rude lol

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  3. I loved this! So glad you shared why you wear a head covering and I agree that telling someone "God told me to do it" would be hard to get out. :) Some people would understand that (I would), while others would think you were weird perhaps.

    And we all know you are not weird.


    Right??

    It's interesting that you felt this way BEFORE finding "confirmation" for it in the Bible and ancient church sources. It's almost like God told you to do it and later helped you know it was His voice you were following by confirming it for you. I like that.

    I've never felt compelled in this way and I know wonderful modest Christian ladies (like my grandmother) who never covered their hair. I don't think less of them for it. Like you said, it's a personal choice. Actually one I think is right for you if God leads you in this way. Perhaps this is too much subjective theology and I should believe God has a set standard which we all should follow. (Ladies, cover your hair. Men, cut your hair. No questions asked.) I do in some things - like stealing and committing adultery and many other areas. I just don't feel this way about this particular issue.

    Maybe I'm wrong for that. Hmmm.

    Anyway, I enjoyed this. It was interesting to me that you described your covering almost like I'd describe the work of the Holy Spirit or almost like it has some power in it to help you keep your temper in check. Or like it has convicting power. Do you think of it as "powerful" in that way? Or that it is a reminder for you that you are a child of God and representing Him to the world?


    Off topic, I was asked about some of the more troubling (to some) verses concerning women in the NT. I'd like to read your thoughts on those sometimes. I know I say this a lot, but I do value your insights because I know you study a lot plus you have the Church knowledge which I don't have. I just like hearing their views on issues. And yours most of all. Just a suggestion - thanks! Maybe I'll do a post on it one day. I'll think about it while I'm gone perhaps.

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  4. LK,

    I know. It's this weird feeling of solidarity even though you don't know them and maybe don't even agree with them on lots of things. But you see a scarf and it's like: One of us! *glomp*

    Yeah...it'd be rude. :)

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  5. Susanne,

    :)

    'telling someone "God told me to do it" would be hard to get out. :) Some people would understand that (I would), while others would think you were weird perhaps.'

    It kind of makes you sound like a nut. 'Why do you do x?' 'God told me to.' *dead silence* 'Do you hear voices often?'

    'And we all know you are not weird.
    Right??'

    Right. It's the rest of you that're weird. *nods head authoritatively*

    'It's almost like God told you to do it and later helped you know it was His voice you were following by confirming it for you. I like that.'

    That's pretty much the way I feel about it.

    'I've never felt compelled in this way and I know wonderful modest Christian ladies (like my grandmother) who never covered their hair. I don't think less of them for it. Like you said, it's a personal choice.'

    Exactly. I know *plenty* of Christian women who don't cover and I look up to them as so much more advanced, spiritually, than I am. Actually, for me, I think I need to cover *because* of how far behind I am. It's like training wheels!

    *shrug* As to whether we're being too 'subjective theology' about it, I don't know. Unless I become convinced that this is one of those hard and fast laws for everyone (like those about adultery, theft, murder, etc.) then I've got to stick with what I understand. But I'm always open to being wrong. It just might take me a while to admit to it. ;)

    'It was interesting to me that you described your covering almost like I'd describe the work of the Holy Spirit or almost like it has some power in it to help you keep your temper in check. Or like it has convicting power. Do you think of it as "powerful" in that way? Or that it is a reminder for you that you are a child of God and representing Him to the world?'

    The scarf, in and of itself, is just cloth. It's what it represents that's important. For me, it's a reminder that I've made a conscious choice to *obey* God, and His Will, to the best of my ability. So, it's a reminder to think twice, sometimes, or, in retrospect, when I've *failed* to think before I open my mouth or act, to go back and make amends. It reminds me that I represent (poorly) something greater than myself, and how I act influences what others think of the Church and sometimes God.

    Maybe it's best put this way: Any good that I do, or good changes that have happened in me, are due to the Holy Spirit. The scarf just serves as a reminder to myself that He's there. :)

    As for the 'troubling' verses about women in the NT, I'd be happy to throw in my 2 cents. But, which verses are we talking about?

    Also,
    'I'll think about it while I'm gone perhaps.'

    Are you going to be absent from the blogs for a while? I only want to know because I want to be sure you're 'around' when I put up my death penalty post. :)

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  6. I've noticed a change in my behavior ever since I started to cover. It's as if that one silly chunk of cloth manages somehow to constantly remind me of what I'm made for: to love and serve God. I'm still snappy and nasty and huffy enough of the time but I've noticed that I ... notice. When I'm being snappy, nasty, and huffy. That's big! Because I can't change a behavior until I *notice* it.

    Yay!

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  7. Amber, I am giggling at your "it's like training wheels" comment!

    Ahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaa! You are too funny! And, yes, I am the weird one...truly!

    Loved this: ": Any good that I do, or good changes that have happened in me, are due to the Holy Spirit. The scarf just serves as a reminder to myself that He's there. :)"


    I will only be gone Friday though Sunday so I'll be eager to read your death penalty post and anything else you write! I'm glad you're back! :)

    Here are the verses in case you ever want to post about them. I'd love to read your thoughts on them or if you have already maybe I can be reminded to look for them. (I'm old, remember...the memory fades with age. Know what I mean, Ashley? I guess you don't quite yet since you are a spring chicken, but you just wait. ;))


    I was asked this:

    BTW, Susanne how do you understand:

    1 Corinthians 11:3; 1 Corinthians 11:7-9; 1 Corinthians 14:34-35; Ephesians 5:22-24; 1 Timothy 2:11-15; 1 Timothy 3:8; Titus 2:4; 1 Peter 3:7.

    These are some verses I have saved for my study. I want to know how you see them.

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  8. HELLO are you my twin?!
    Hahah I too have been covering two years this July! Actually most of your story mirrors mine!
    When I was a kid I used to wear head wraps and scarves - you can do that then because you're a kid. I used to wear jalabeeya too (my mum had heaps from Indonesia) but then after a while you realise it's "weird" and you stopped. Prostrating in prayer and hijab are the two things that got me really hooked on Islam. I was really struggling because I wanted to wear hijab but "i'm not muslim, and so I can't do it." Then one day KA-BAM I came across christian covering online! Blew my little socks off! By this stage I was already (guiltily) wearing hjab on and off. And yes I believe overing in prayer is good (although not necessary) and yes I believe in modesty and the verses in Corinthians. But I too felt compelled long before I read those verses. I also believe it is a choice. Sadly sometimes other christian women think that my interpretation of Cor. means we all HAVE to cover and I am secretly judging them- couldn't be further from the truth!
    I once read on a covering adies blog that if she was called by God to cover it would be disobediant for HER to ignore that. But that has nothing to do with other women. My mum hates any cloth on/atound her face- it makes her feel claustrophobic - and that's just fine!
    While I have plenty of muslim/hijabi friends I have never met another Christian that covers *sigh* one day... and in the mean time I have my sisters online! :D

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  9. Michelle,

    Exactly! I'm so glad to hear other people have had the same experience. :)

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  10. Susanne,

    'I am giggling at your "it's like training wheels" comment!'

    *grin* I knew you'd like that one. But it's apt, I think. :)

    'And, yes, I am the weird one...truly!'

    Well, yeah! Though, to be fair, it's not just you. Everyone who is not me is weird. :p

    Cool. I planned to post the death penalty stuff on Monday anyway. I was just thinking, if you were going to be gone a week or something, I'd wait. Hope you have fun!

    Okay. I'll look at those and see what pops into my head. *waggles eyebrows*

    '(I'm old, remember...the memory fades with age. Know what I mean, Ashley? I guess you don't quite yet since you are a spring chicken, but you just wait. ;))'

    *lol* You're too funny. It's nice that someone of your age can laugh about it. Better than yelling at the kids to get off your lawn! ;)

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  11. Hi misschatterbox,

    Heh. On the subject of our possible twin-hood, one of my childhood nicknames was Chatterbox. *makes weird twilight zone sounds* :)

    'When I was a kid I used to wear head wraps and scarves - you can do that then because you're a kid.'

    Me too! I have a picture somewhere of me when I was maybe two or so, walking around with a blanket drapped over my head. It's the only photographic evidence, but I used to do it all the time!

    *nods at everything else* Very similar to what I went through. Makes me wonder how many of us there are out there who went through something so similar.

    'I once read on a covering adies blog that if she was called by God to cover it would be disobediant for HER to ignore that. But that has nothing to do with other women.'

    That is an excellent explanation of how I feel about it. I do know some other women who feel I'm making a 'judgment' on them, but it's not true at all! And I hope I don't do anything to make them think that way, but I really believe that it's something inside them, some weird little 'guilt' (for lack of a better word), even though I don't think that they have anything to feel 'guilty' about. If you don't feel drawn to it, you don't!

    'and in the mean time I have my sisters online! :D'

    Thank God for the online covering community!

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  12. Feel free to glomp me if you ever see me around.. : P I know how you feel. I like the hijab-style scarf because I can feel it, so it's a constant reminder to me to be more patient and loving and kind and... all that stuff that God is and wants me to be (as best I can). I am totally in the same boat with you. It's the right thing for ME, but I'm certainly not going to go about telling others they're wrong because they don't wear one. Hope life is treating you well.

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  13. Heather!

    *glomps* :)

    I promise, should I ever meet you, I will glomp you!

    While I don't use the hijab style anymore, I do still favor the longer scarves, because, like you said, I can see and feel them.

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