Friday, June 4, 2010

'Old Age' and Settling Into My Own Skin

In less than 24 hours, I will be 28.

And I don't care.

I can tell you that, two years ago, around this time, I was panicking. 26! No boyfriend, no husband, no kids! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I was going to alone *forever*! This was also about the time I was re-finding religion and it all got mixed up together, let me tell you. I was *convinced* that if I found the right faith, if I did the right things, essentially, if I held my mouth right, the sun and the moon and the stars would align and God would finally chuck a husband at me.

Two years later. I'm happier with myself. I'm not perfect, and I by no means have everything figured out. If I ever tell you I do, please feel free to slap me upside the head, repeatedly. And while I do still want to have a husband, and children, it's hardly the driving force in my life. I'm happy by myself - but I'm never alone. I have my family.

I think that people really do need to be settled into themselves before they can contemplate being with someone else. And that comes at different ages and times for different people. Looking back, I know that I was never ready before. Hell, I may not be ready now. But at least I recognize that fact, and it doesn't scare me.

I love where I live. I *love* the state of Florida, and *everything* about it. I love the heat, I love the sun, I love the rain, and the lightning, and the wildlife! I love being able to walk out into my front yard and find snakes and gators! I love living near wildlife preserves and wetlands, and swamps. I love that I can take a weekend down to the Keys, or Miami, or St. Augustine (though technically St. Augustine is up, not down). I like (not love) my job, and the people I work with. For the most part. Do I want to go back to school? Sure. But I have no idea what for, so I won't. It's a waste of money (to me) otherwise. I'm getting healthy. I'm slowly figuring out my faith, but I don't feel rushed about it. Schools out, so I'll start going to the Orthodox church now.

What will be, will be. There is a path, even though I can't see it, or what lies on it. And I'm happy with that. Life'd be boring if I knew what was coming.

And while this may seem a total non sequitur, I've also stopped covering my hair. Just like when I knew that I needed to cover, I now have the same feeling, the same certainty, that I can stop. Maybe I'll have to take it up again at some point. I don't know. I really have nothing to say about it at this point.


  1. That's great! I feel much the same way. I'm 30 and my life is all up in the air, but somehow I'm OK with it and even happy, because I'm much happier with myself than I ever used to be.

    "I think that people really do need to be settled into themselves before they can contemplate being with someone else."

    I agree. You need to know who you are before you can even make a reliably good choice about a person to spend your life with. I guess that could be the case in early 20s but for some of us it takes a bit longer!

  2. Wonderful post, Amber. It made me so smiley reading it. :) I'm happy when my friends are happy!

    Sometimes people think when I get this, I'll be happy. Then when they get that, it's when I get this, I'll be happy. So they are constantly yearning for something else to make them happy. I like that you said this:

    "What will be, will be. There is a path, even though I can't see it, or what lies on it. And I'm happy with that. Life'd be boring if I knew what was coming."

    because it makes me think you are enjoying the path, the journey every step of the way. You aren't constantly yearning for what's ahead, but are taking one day at a time. Learning, loving, enjoying, living. And simply leaving the future details out to God and whatever He has in store for you. That's true contentment, and IMO, from where true joy and peace often flow.

    Great post! You are such a wise young lady!

  3. .....was your past self now me in my present? LOL

    maybe we all freak out like that at 26...maybe its normal. Especially when everyone else around you is getting married.

    Glad to see you are happier :) And early happy birthday!

  4. And I was sewing incredibly cute snoods out of fabric I chose while thinking of you...Sighs. No guilt. ;-) You are good where you are and I am happy for you. Happy Birthday!

  5. My stepmother is out on the town celebrating her Big Seven-Oh today :) Just barely caught her on the phone as she and Dad were about to run out the door... They always tell me they are so busy now that they can't figure out how they ever had time to work before!

    She has done much to be proud of in her lifetime, had a great career and all that, but I think her greatest achievement was to figure out that it's really OK not to feel like cleaning and say 'The h*** with it, I'll do it later!' It sounds like you have managed to learn the art of mellowness a bit faster :D

    So may God give you a fantastic birthday and much happiness and every imaginable blessing and even a few that are not even possible, much less imaginable :D

  6. Sarah,

    I think maturity is an individual thing, more than ever before. I used to think that you had to be mature by 'point a', because that's when you became an adult. But I've figured out that that's not true at all. I've been an adult for years, and I think I'm only now starting to be mature. :)

  7. Susanne,

    Thank you!

    Yes, I think I'm content.

  8. Candice,

    Thanks! I was happy writing it!

  9. LK,

    The thought did occur to me after I posted this and then read your post. :) Maybe we all go through something similar at different points in our lives and ours just happen to coincide?

    But yeah, freak out is normal, I think. At 26 my friends were all either married, or getting there. Now, one of them is having her first child, any day now, and while it does make me go, 'BABY! GIMME ONE!' on one level, the rest of me is okay with spoiling him rotten when he gets here, and then giving him back to mommy!

  10. Anna,

    Ooohh...that's still awesome. Because, though I didn't spell it out in the post, I'm still covering for church. *waggles eyebrows* Sooo...there's still a need for incredibly cute snoods over here! I still feel the need to cover for church and prayer, just not all the time.

    And thank you! :)

  11. caraboska,

    Thank you!

    I love how older people retire and then get so busy! They're the ones that live longer and are happier!

    Heh. Your step-mom sounds like my kind of woman!

  12. Happy Birthday Amber! I wish you the very best in this life. May the Light always guide you. Enjoy the sun and the air in your hair :)


  13. Suroor,

    Thank you! I just got back from getting my hair cut and drove home with the windows down! :)

  14. Excellent! That is how it should be, shouldn't it?! :-D

    I hope you are enjoying your new hair style. I'm so excited. I'm happy when happy happens :)

  15. Amber, I have been wondering how people are reacting to your not covering your hair. When I first "met" you, I read a number of pro-covering posts from you and also the videos which I enjoyed so much. I recall you were so into covering that you were dismayed once while getting the newspaper to have a neighborhood boy see you. Soooooo, I was curious how coworkers, people you know in the flesh reacted when you finally came to work or went or went to the store with your hair showing. Call me nosy, inquisitive, what have you. And don't answer if you don't like. I'm just always curious.:)

    And how long did you cover again?


  16. Susanne,

    I don't really invite personal commentary on my life in real life, so most people don't say anything at all. :)

    As for how long, almost two years. It actually would have been two years in July.

  17. Amber, ah, that's neat. I wasn't sure if you were the type people said things to or the type they pretended not to notice. :-) Thanks for humoring me on the questions. :)


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