Wednesday, December 7, 2011

School

Okay, this is something I'm actually ashamed of, but I'm going to just put it out there:

I've never graduated from college.

I'm relatively smart, or so all the tests and teachers and everyone has always told me so it wasn't that I couldn't do the work.

I had student loans, so it wasn't as though I couldn't pay for the classes.

When I first graduated high school and went to college it was in the middle of the utter meltdown of my family. I know I've said it before and I hate to harp on it but it's a huge factor for me here: I grew up in an abusive household. My step-father is a terrible person and the best thing he could ever do is to drop dead. You would think that the final dissolution of that place would have been a relief and in the end it has been but at the time it was just more stress and insanity. This was the time frame where I tried to kill him if that gives you any idea of just how bad it was.

I'm certain that there are plenty of people who manage to have a college career and deal with worse things than what went on in my house. I was not one of them and I feel like I should have been. That I should have held it together and done better. *shrug* It is what it is. I screwed up but I honestly don't know what I could have done differently and survived. I did a lot of self destructive and just plain destructive things in this time and one of them was dropping out of college. I didn't care and partially I think that was because I honestly didn't expect to live long enough to need a degree.

So here I am, 29 years old with a literal butt load of college credits in a variety of courses of study under my belt but no degree. I've gone back to college a couple of times, which is where all the credits come from, but I've never been happy with anything that I've chosen for a degree to work toward. I keep messing around, looking for the career that will make me happy. I don't think it exists in any sort of practical sense and it's time to get over that.

I'm going back to school, as I mentioned in a previous post and getting an AS in Paralegal Studies. Since my job is tied in with doing legal advertisements in the paper it made sense. I'm finally, after jumping through plenty of hoops with the college, signed up for my first class. It's Intermediate Algebra which is a class I need to take to get into the math class the degree requires. It's going to be slow because I can only take classes at night/weekends/online and only on certain days for the night classes but I'm determined to get it done.

16 comments:

  1. good for you Amber. I have no qualifications. which sometimes I thinks holds me back.

    I wish you the best of luck

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  2. I'm happy for you! It's really great that you're going back!

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  3. Good luck! :) I don't think there's anything wrong with not having one, and I'm personally more impressed with people who got a job and made something of their lives than people like me who have been in school forever. You've been through a lot, and you've still pulled your life together and got a grown-up job while I still don't have one. That's pretty great. But I understand wanting to finish the degree too, and I'm happy you get to do that now. Yay!

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  4. Amber, I'm so sorry for the abuse you and your mom (and others?) went through. Seriously, it makes me want to cry when I realize how mean people can be to one another. I understand your thinking about why bother when you didn't expect to live long enough to use/need a degree.

    Thanks for sharing about this and I hope you greatly enjoy your classes. Thanks for keeping us posted so we can cheer you on! XOXOX

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  5. Sol,

    Thank you! I have an okay job but I know I could get a better one, maybe even move out of my hometown someday, if I was better qualified.

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  6. sanil,

    Thanks! Part of the problem is that I don't feel like I've made anything with my life and there's always been the expectation that I would get a degree and be an astrophysicist or whatever. Which I don't want. Could I do it? Probably, if I wanted to. But I don't want to. I would honestly love to just live a nice, quiet life with a family somewhere. I just don't have the drive to be super successful or anything. Too much stress and effort!

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  7. Thanks Susanne!

    I've already made my sister promise to help me if I need it in the math class. Math is one of those things...I can do it, but I don't like it. So I find I have a hard time putting effort into it because I find it so *incredibly* boring.

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  8. Congrats hun! Don't worry so many of us are just starting our degrees or completely starting over, like myself. And yeah it kinda does make you feel like you've gone no where but you have to look at all the great things you have done. And all the studying you've done on your own. That is valuable too. It took me forever to realize I needed to pick a more practical career. We all hit bumps in the road but you'll find your way.

    And Algebra is evil. Just saying. :p

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  9. LK,

    Thanks. I'm trying to get over feeling the way I do about it. We'll see how successful I am! :)

    Seriously. I wanted to be a history professor and a professional writer. Which are both fun, in my head, but not particularly practical. I've grown up since then.

    All maths are evil. Luckily, my sister is a weird math-loving person so if I need help I'm cashing in all the English help I've given her over the years.

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  10. Good luck Amber! You are VERY intelligent and I have no doubts that you'll graduate with flying colours. We will all make sure to encourage you all the time :)

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  11. Thank you Suroor!

    I'll be sure to try and keep my cheering section up on what's going on so you guys can encourage me!

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  12. Wow, I never even knew about these things you've been through, well, y'know, I had the feeling there was something, but wow. *hugs* you're a very strong woman, and I'm proud of you for going back to school (as I would be if you weren't, I'm just proud of you for doing what is right for you).

    I loved what you said here:
    "Thanks! Part of the problem is that I don't feel like I've made anything with my life and there's always been the expectation that I would get a degree and be an astrophysicist or whatever. Which I don't want. Could I do it? Probably, if I wanted to. But I don't want to. I would honestly love to just live a nice, quiet life with a family somewhere. I just don't have the drive to be super successful or anything. Too much stress and effort! "

    This is soooo much like me. I know I could be extremely successful as a career woman, but it's not what I want.

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  13. Btw, sorry for the late reply, I'm soooo late with everything these days :(

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  14. Becky,

    Thank you.

    And you're not expected to know all of that! I don't (I hope) harp on it or wear a sign saying, 'Shitty childhood, ask me how!'. It's just life.

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  15. Oh no, you def don't, and I guess I haven't been around long enough to really pick up on it earlier. But, y'know, how sometimes from little things here and there, you get a feeling, so once you're told you kinda feel like you already know? That's sorta how I felt, if that makes sense :)

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