School

Okay, this is something I'm actually ashamed of, but I'm going to just put it out there:

I've never graduated from college.

I'm relatively smart, or so all the tests and teachers and everyone has always told me so it wasn't that I couldn't do the work.

I had student loans, so it wasn't as though I couldn't pay for the classes.

When I first graduated high school and went to college it was in the middle of the utter meltdown of my family. I know I've said it before and I hate to harp on it but it's a huge factor for me here: I grew up in an abusive household. My step-father is a terrible person and the best thing he could ever do is to drop dead. You would think that the final dissolution of that place would have been a relief and in the end it has been but at the time it was just more stress and insanity. This was the time frame where I tried to kill him if that gives you any idea of just how bad it was.

I'm certain that there are plenty of people who manage to have a college career and deal with worse things than what went on in my house. I was not one of them and I feel like I should have been. That I should have held it together and done better. *shrug* It is what it is. I screwed up but I honestly don't know what I could have done differently and survived. I did a lot of self destructive and just plain destructive things in this time and one of them was dropping out of college. I didn't care and partially I think that was because I honestly didn't expect to live long enough to need a degree.

So here I am, 29 years old with a literal butt load of college credits in a variety of courses of study under my belt but no degree. I've gone back to college a couple of times, which is where all the credits come from, but I've never been happy with anything that I've chosen for a degree to work toward. I keep messing around, looking for the career that will make me happy. I don't think it exists in any sort of practical sense and it's time to get over that.

I'm going back to school, as I mentioned in a previous post and getting an AS in Paralegal Studies. Since my job is tied in with doing legal advertisements in the paper it made sense. I'm finally, after jumping through plenty of hoops with the college, signed up for my first class. It's Intermediate Algebra which is a class I need to take to get into the math class the degree requires. It's going to be slow because I can only take classes at night/weekends/online and only on certain days for the night classes but I'm determined to get it done.