I was going to do a death penalty post, and why I still (and will always) totally support it, but it's all my frothing at the mouth and handing out examples of why I'm 'death penalty YAY!'. Which I doubt anyone really wants to read.
And then I watched Anna's latest post over at Veiled Glory. And...well. She said something about their decision to convert to Orthodoxy 'not being a head trip', and...Okay, this is like, confession time:
I like to be right. *All* the time. I know it's arrogant, I know it's bad, and that no one is right all the time, and I've gotten *much* better about not being an arrogant know it all, because I know that I don't know it all, and well, no one likes a know it all, right? But still, I like to be right. I like to be able to stand at a defensible position and hand out my ingenious arguments, and go, 'See! This is why you're wrong and *stupid* (which is, of course, implied but never stated), and I and everyone who agrees with me is right.' :p *mental raspberries are blown at the 'wrong' party. And to be perfectly honest (however arrogant it might sound), I am quite often right. It's just the way the world works (the world, you see, revolves around me).
Right. So. Go back a couple of years. My mother remarries a Mennonite man, and his parents live with us in the house. His mother is a little...odd...and she doesn't like me. She thinks 'there's something wrong with her'. Seriously. And to be honest, I was practicing magic at the time, so there was probably a few things 'off' about me, but whatever. Plus, I'm coming from an abusive house, and, and, whatever. I admit to having issues. And I am forced, for the first time in *years* to attend church. Their Mennonite church. Which just...annoys the crap out of me. Because the pastor there is quite often *wrong* (but a very, very nice man), especially when he talks about things outside of Christianity. So. Must. Get. Out. Of. This. Church. Thing. Before I start actually jumping up and *correcting* the pastor, which I know is not right to do.
Hmm...how to do this...ah! My brilliance! Crazy Gramma and Grandpa are ex-Catholics, of the 'the Catholic Church is EVOL' sort. Heh. So...'I want to go to the Catholic Church'. And, no one bugs me about religion or church in the house again. *Feel* my clever. Feel it. Of course, because I'm supposed to be attending Mass (but I wasn't, really) I felt I needed to be able to speak like I was, so I studied. And, along the way, believed. But that's been told elsewhere, so. (I just left out the part about choosing the Catholic Church at first to piss off the crazy old woman - it didn't seem very nice, you know?)
The deacon, when I was having my interview before RCIA asked me why I wanted to be Catholic. My answer was, essentially, 'because I want to be a part of the *original* church, the oldest faith around, because that's the one that's lasted. that's the one that's true.' to which he, jokingly, responded, 'why not be Jewish then?' to which I responded, (perhaps a tad more seriously than he realized at the time) 'because I like bacon'. ha ha. Anyway.
But now I wonder, is this just another way that I need to be right? Is it? Am I doing this wrong?
Do I want to be in the original church because then I'll be right, or because I want to do what God wants me to do? I DON'T KNOW!
I *believe* that I need to belong to the original Church, the one that Christ founded and left behind. I *believe* that it is either the Catholic Church or the Orthodox Church. Why? Because they have the history. They make the most sense. Of course, they don't agree with each other on many things, but that's another post. Protestantism is a fractured morass as far as I'm concerned. There's no historicity, no *foundation*. They've cut themselves off at the knees in so many ways, and it shows. (For a personal pet peeve, where *do* you guys think you got the Bible? Really? You remember, that book that tells you you're right and that the Church is wrong? Oh, yeah, that would *be* the freaking *Church*!) Don't like the theology taught at your church? That's okay, go start your own! The Holy Spirit will tell you what to do!
*shrug* I decided on Catholicism because it was the oldest, and made the most sense. But now... I don't know. And I'm reading, and studying, and in some ways I look at Orthodoxy and go, 'Yes! I don't have to bend through theological hoops! I don't need to quantify and scientifically explain everything so that it makes sense! I don't need to freaking *justify* my faith to science, because some things are *beyond* science, and theology and science don't have to fight, they're two different spheres!' and I see *more* historicity to it - I see a unity of belief, as opposed to an empire (I'm not knocking the Pope, I happen to like Benedict XVI), I see something that more closely resembles what I understand of the church at the time of the Apostles and the Early Fathers. I see something that even my deacon admitted 'kept to the original way of things' when the Catholic church changed with the times. But it's all *head* right now, no *heart*. And now I'm afraid that it's just...my need to be *right*. And I might *feel* something about it if I went to an Orthodox service, but my *extreme social awkward* won't let me, and the only Orthodox Church in town is Serbian, and I'm terrified that I'll go there, and they'll all *look* at me and talk about me behind my back. And I'll be embarrassed and humiliated and...
*throws up hands*