People Disappoint Me

Weekends should just be stricken from existence.

I had time to think this weekend, and, of course, I reflect on the fight I had with my friend last weekend. I love her dearly, but I've realized that she runs certain aspects of my life, and I let her. And, that I think she enjoys, on some level, having me as a friend, because no matter how 'not what she planned' her life gets, she can look at mine and feel pity. Now, don't get me wrong. I like my life - are there things I want that I don't have? Of course. Am I successful by the standards of the world? Oh, hell no. I'm 26, not married, no kids, never really a serious relationship. I don't party, I dress 'weirdly', I'm from two, count 'em, two broken homes, I don't make a lot of money, I've never graduated college (and that's by choice, mind you), and I live at home (I don't mooch, just to clear that up, I pay rent, and I purchase all my own clothes and things). And all I want out of life is to find a good man, get married, and raise brilliant, good children. And, you know, if possible, have a gigantic personal library. But that'd just be icing. :) My friend has been married for four years. She's a thesis shy of her doctorate. They live in a nice house, yadda. She works three jobs to *pay* for all her nice things, hubby doesn't work at all, doesn't clean, doesn't cook, doesn't do yard work, goes out all day and all night with his equally bum-tastic friends. I, trying to be nice, cleaned her house once. I figured, give them a clean slate, and they'll be able to keep it reasonable, if not to my standards. Nope. And I refuse to do it again, because nothing, clearly, will be learned. She's miserable, she's in therapy, and her husband has no idea how close he came to being divorced. I might not be as 'successful' as she is, but I'll bet you even money that, over all, I'm happier.

And then, Saturday morning? We're all eating breakfast (all being me, mom and dad), and dad's reading the paper. And he reads an article about North Korea, and makes some commentary, calling them 'gooks'. And then says something about Obama dealing with them, and I said, 'well, I'm pretty sure he'd have to deal with all the people still using the word 'gook' first.' And then, there was another article, about someone who had been arrested being released, and found not guilty. And he made some other comment, this time calling him a 'towel-head'. I was shocked, really. He's never used derogatory terms for anyone before! I interrupted him, and told him I didn't care, I didn't want to hear whatever it was that he was saying. He just went right on, saying that he 'knows we're all supposed to be liberal now, but...' I couldn't think of a thing to say. I was just...what? WHAT? What does 'being liberal' have to do with not being an asshole? I wanted to say, 'What would you do if one day I came home and said, 'I'm Muslim'?' Or what if I brought home a Muslim and announced that I was marrying him? I wanted to, but I didn't, because, honest, I don't think I want to know the answer. I like to maintain the illusion that I have unconditional love from my parents. I just ate quickly, cleared the table, did the dishes, and avoided speaking to him. Or even really looking at him...

I haven't spoken to dad since that morning. I'm sort of pretending that he doesn't exist. It's like shunning...