Monday, April 6, 2009

People Disappoint Me

Weekends should just be stricken from existence.

I had time to think this weekend, and, of course, I reflect on the fight I had with my friend last weekend. I love her dearly, but I've realized that she runs certain aspects of my life, and I let her. And, that I think she enjoys, on some level, having me as a friend, because no matter how 'not what she planned' her life gets, she can look at mine and feel pity. Now, don't get me wrong. I like my life - are there things I want that I don't have? Of course. Am I successful by the standards of the world? Oh, hell no. I'm 26, not married, no kids, never really a serious relationship. I don't party, I dress 'weirdly', I'm from two, count 'em, two broken homes, I don't make a lot of money, I've never graduated college (and that's by choice, mind you), and I live at home (I don't mooch, just to clear that up, I pay rent, and I purchase all my own clothes and things). And all I want out of life is to find a good man, get married, and raise brilliant, good children. And, you know, if possible, have a gigantic personal library. But that'd just be icing. :) My friend has been married for four years. She's a thesis shy of her doctorate. They live in a nice house, yadda. She works three jobs to *pay* for all her nice things, hubby doesn't work at all, doesn't clean, doesn't cook, doesn't do yard work, goes out all day and all night with his equally bum-tastic friends. I, trying to be nice, cleaned her house once. I figured, give them a clean slate, and they'll be able to keep it reasonable, if not to my standards. Nope. And I refuse to do it again, because nothing, clearly, will be learned. She's miserable, she's in therapy, and her husband has no idea how close he came to being divorced. I might not be as 'successful' as she is, but I'll bet you even money that, over all, I'm happier.

And then, Saturday morning? We're all eating breakfast (all being me, mom and dad), and dad's reading the paper. And he reads an article about North Korea, and makes some commentary, calling them 'gooks'. And then says something about Obama dealing with them, and I said, 'well, I'm pretty sure he'd have to deal with all the people still using the word 'gook' first.' And then, there was another article, about someone who had been arrested being released, and found not guilty. And he made some other comment, this time calling him a 'towel-head'. I was shocked, really. He's never used derogatory terms for anyone before! I interrupted him, and told him I didn't care, I didn't want to hear whatever it was that he was saying. He just went right on, saying that he 'knows we're all supposed to be liberal now, but...' I couldn't think of a thing to say. I was just...what? WHAT? What does 'being liberal' have to do with not being an asshole? I wanted to say, 'What would you do if one day I came home and said, 'I'm Muslim'?' Or what if I brought home a Muslim and announced that I was marrying him? I wanted to, but I didn't, because, honest, I don't think I want to know the answer. I like to maintain the illusion that I have unconditional love from my parents. I just ate quickly, cleared the table, did the dishes, and avoided speaking to him. Or even really looking at him...

I haven't spoken to dad since that morning. I'm sort of pretending that he doesn't exist. It's like shunning...


  1. There are some friends Amber who like who they are when they are standing next to us. I had one in middle school, the pretty, poular variety, who was insecure. She felt better about herself when was with her. It sounds like that might be happening here. And you know? I think it's great that you are living at home and paying rent. You are more grounded Amber and can't end up with a loser husband. I'm glad! As for not finishing college or the money, you seem happy where you are.

    I hope that eventually your dad comes to his senses. Did you tell him how comments like that make you feel? Some people are stuck in their ways, but hopefully he can pull out of it. Love you so dearly!

  2. Sounds to me like your library is already coming along very nicely... I have a bookshelf stuffed full of Star Trek books including my all time favourite Sarek and The Trouble with Tribbles.

    When I was a work (many years ago) the ladies were put through a Springboard course - one portion looked at 'who was a postive/negative' influence in your life.

    It was amazing course.

    Sometimes our Abba doesn't have to send us on a 'course' to look at these influences in our lives - things seem to 'happen' to our friendships that cause us to reflect on their changing values.

    And sometimes as a result of changes that are being wraught by the Ruach HaKodesh (hebrew for Holy Spirit) within ourselves opens our eyes to others in such a way that we would never have seen a year or two ago.

    In these cases it is a time to acknowledge that you are indeed a Child of the Father who is slowly transforming you into the best you can be for Him. And secondly, ask Him that you might view these people through Yeshua's eyes, in love and forgiveness.

  3. Lisa,

    No, I haven't told him. He knows that I refuse to judge people based simply on the way they look, or what they may believe. I do have troubles in this area, sometimes, (see evangelicals and Southern Baptists) but I try to judge everyone individually.

    He and I don't agree on a lot of things. We just don't.

  4. Ahavah,

    This is actually my pared down library! I used to have over 3,000 books, but I finally had to admit that I had no space, and went through them. It was a very painful thing to do...

    Hmmm...I have to say I prefer 'Spock's World'. :)

    I thank you. I'm going to do my best to keep in mind what you've said, but it's hard. I really do love my friends, and I don't make them easily.

  5. 3,000!

    lol! that makes one huge library in my erm 'book'!

    I too don't make friends so very easily - but I think that is very probably the way I am: difficult, dresses wierdly, fussy eater, uncompromising in my views..... :0D

  6. Ahavah,

    It was, it was, and it depressed me terribly to have to get rid of half of my books. But I *literally* had no space, and it just had to be done. I think I appreciate what I have more, because I only kept the ones I really wanted. I'm a bit of a pack rat, so it's a difficult thing for me to get rid of a book even if I don't particularly like it.

    I went shopping and to dinner with my friend, and we're talking about stuff. I hope we're both going to grow through this. :)

  7. I'm sorry about your disappointment. Sadly, I find that I disappoint myself oftentimes including recently. :-/ Thanks for sharing this.


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