Friday, March 13, 2009

How Do I Feel This Good Sober?

I am the product of two alcoholic fathers.

My biological father was an alcoholic and a drug addict, and so was my adoptive father. And so was his father, who lived with us through much of my childhood.

I don't drink, except when I do.
Ever since I turned 21, when I go out to dinner, I have a few drinks. I've been flat out, shit faced drunk once. Just to see what it was like. I didn't even get a hang over, I just got *real* affectionate.

I'm a happy drunk, I'm friendly, I'm playful, I'm a nicer person. I've had people tell me I should be drunk all the time, or at least a little buzzed.

I've been thinking, for a while, about *why* I choose to drink. I've been considering stopping it all together, just to be safe.

Tonight, we went out to dinner. I had three drinks, and I've been sick as a dog since. Not hung over sick, but just 'my body refuses to process this' sick.


  1. We all have our addictions. Some of us over-eat. Lately, I've been prone to under eat. Some of us are promiscuous, some drink. Totally understandable Amber.

    So in this case you like to drink. Do you consider yourself an alcoholic, or is this a rare event? I mean sometimes it could just be peer pressure if your all out and having a margarita and you get lost in good conversation and the salty/sweet glass. And it sounds like you made the mistake of over doing it, but learned that the aftermath isn't much fun.

    I'd probably be on this train with you, but hate the taste of alcohol.

    Amber, I'm praying hard for you tonight. I wonder if the weight of this sad Lent season has made you want to escape through a drink. Know that tonight I'm with you praying and hoping for you. love you so.

  2. Hi Amber, it seems that being prone to drinking too much alcohol is the one sin Christian women are "not even allowed to commit", and if they do, best not admit it.

    I had a drinking problem for years, but it was all nice and tidy and nobody knew. And of course I completely rationalized everything and was in total denial of it all being "too much"....because when you are at home, you can just call yourself slightly buzzed or justify it that you need help relaxing to get to sleep, and go to bed and sleep it off.

    Finally I took it to confession and have not had a drink since. Sometimes it's an act of sheer will to be obedient not to drink anymore.

    And yes, alcoholism run in my family, too.

    Saying a prayer for you, today. (And I'm just like you described yourself as being when I drink.)

  3. Lisa,

    If someone had asked me if I was an alcoholic last week, I would have said 'no'. Now, while I still don't feel that I'm an alcoholic, I think it's a habit that has gotten out of control, with the potential to get worse.

    You see, three drinks is *normal* for me. It's *way* under my limit, that line between buzzed and drunk. I figure, when you drink three to everyone elses one, when you demolish the first drink in under five minutes, when you get invited to dinner, and the first thing that hits is, 'I can drink!', that it has gotten out of hand.

    It's not Lent, or any outside force that makes me do this, but rather stupidity, and, I think, the fear that I won't be *fun* if I'm not a little buzzed.

  4. Alana,


    You have no idea how good it felt to hear this from you.

    I know I'm not my father, and I think that's part of the problem. I've been thinking that as long as I'm not like him, then it's not a problem. But, and I thought about this alot this weekend, it really is.

    So, I quit. No more alcohol for me. At all.

  5. Amber,

    It sounds like the peer pressure is getting to you. I feel the same way when I'm out with friends who love to eat. I eat more. And with the anorexics, I order salads. Totally understandable.

    If you start to see it balloon out of control, maybe you can take aside the bartender and request a non-alcoholic spritzer. Sorry to be a party pooper Amber, this is only if you think it's totally out of control.

    It doen't sound lik your anywhere near a need for Al-Anon. Love you so much and hope your well. I really appreciated your sweet comments on my private blog.

  6. Lisa,

    That's just it, it's not my friends. They each have one drink, sometimes, when we go out. I have three. Always.

    While I agree I'm not material for alcoholics anonymous, I've decided to take the high road and just cut it out altogether. It's certainly not going to kill me to order a coke, or a virgin daiquiri, or what have you.

    I'm just going to err on the side of caution from now on. One of my fears is winding up in any way like my father.

    It is probably going to be hard, at least in the beginning, I guess. I *like* alcohol. And not beer or wine or champagne, but vodka, rum, tequila. But I'm determined. And I've added it to me *long* list of things to pray for.

  7. I admire your determination, Amber. We're here if you need some support. :-)

  8. Susanne,

    Thank you, I do appreciate it. :)


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