Saturday, July 10, 2010


I *really* like this movie, even though I guess it isn't particularly good.

Sometimes, all one needs is angels kicking each other in the head.

First, we have Paul Bettany, as Michael, which means that the badassest angel on the planet (or ex-angel, technically) has a British accent. Which is awesome. It doesn't hurt that Paul Bettany is pretty, and has been since Master and Commander. What is it with me and men in period costume on wooden ships? Meh.

Also, 'Jess', from Supernatural. Hi Jess! You can't escape monster stuff, can you? At least this time you don't die...

Hmmm..Lucas Black. You made F&F: Tokyo Drift acceptable, even with the lack of Paul Walker and Vin Diesel. I did not, however, realize until I saw this movie that your accent was real. I thought it was just a put on for the movie. Whoops. S'okay sugah. Hey, I think the younger black guy is *also* from F&F...hmm...runs off to check...yup. Tyrese Gibson from 2Fast2Furious. Eh. It had Paul Walker. But man, those movies are so much better when Dom and Brian are in it together. The fifth one should just be them. And rated NC17. Fill in the blanks.

So. Anyway. Back to the movie. Y'know, I mostly watched for the angel asskicking, I fully admit. Apocalyptic badassery hits fan buttons for me. The plot is...well.

So, God is 'sick and tired of all the bullshit', and rather than just wiping out the majority of humanity, and starting over with a chosen few, He decides to kill everyone, using angels this time.

Michael thinks this is a shitty plan, and that humanity still has good in it. So he defects from heaven, landing in San Francisco(?), and hacking off his wings. Which is cool. Why do the angels all wear dog collars anyway? Whatever. So now he's human, and he races against the descending angel army to get to this dinner in the middle of nowhere, called Paradise Falls. No one had to think *too* hard about the naming scheme there...

Why? Because *apparently*, before God decided to gank everyone, the second coming got started, and a chain smoking waitress named Charlie is 8 months into her pregnancy with Christ. You'd think God wouldn't have bothered, knowing that He was just gonna kill everyone, but He did. Why? Rookie deity mistake. In-freaking-effability. It's as good a reason as any, I guess. She's at this dinner with Jeep (Lucas Black), his dad, and some very unfortunate patrons. Who all die by the end of the movie, with the exception of Jeep, because he's the new Joseph in this story. Oh, also, Charlie is no virgin birth. And Jeep takes plenty of crap for his love of a girl who's willing to 'sleep around' with everyone but him. *rolls eyes*

Natch. So the angels are all trying to kill Charlie before she can give birth, and they have to possess humans to move around on earth. So the first ones to get possessed are the 'weak willed'. Which makes an interesting turn on the whole, 'the meek shall inherit the earth' thing. Cause if the meek all get possessed by homicidal angels, and turn on the strong, they would inherit the earth, except the angels plan on wiping them out too...

Whatever. Michael shows up, after some possessed grandma tries to kill them all, and they make him show them his teeth. Cause angel-possesseys have shark teeth. And his teeth are normal, but, y'know, logic fail, because Grandma was possessed when she showed up, and her teeth were normal until she attacked. So Michael having normal teeth, not so much helpful.

Yadda, yadda, killing angel-people, killing dinner patrons, fighting, birth, and whoops. Now the run of the mill angels can't attack, because they can't get near the baby. So Gabriel comes down. With, y'know, ominous trumpet-like blasts and all. And wow, hi Gabriel! Wings! Oh, I love those wings! They're like...metal, with razor freaking sharp edges! Really! He just cut Jeep's daddy in half with one of them. So cool. Also, wicked mace.

Mmm...escape of the surviving people, yadda, Gabriel and Michael talk, and how amusing is it to have Michael called the 'rebellious son'. AND THEN GABRIEL AND MICHAEL FIGHT! Which is just...ANGEL FIGHT! Okay?

And then, well, Gabriel wins, and it's sad, cause Michael is cool and all. And then Michael vanishes, which seems to surprise Gabriel, and Michael's tattoos show up on Jeep. Apparently they're like...'how to raise the Messiah' directions or something.

Of course Gabriel chases down Charlie and Jeep and random-surviving-girl, and r.s.g. gets killed, and then Charlie's running, and Jeep is trying to fight Gabriel, and losing, duh, and woops, who shows up, but a restored Michael, now an angel and all badass again. Why?

Because he gave God the excuse He needed to *not* gank humanity. What's the line...'You gave Him what He asked for, I gave Him what He needed.' Thus proving that rebellion is the way to go, kids. Your parents don't really need what they say they want you to do. And, oh, hey, movies still going on, and back at Michael's death, Gabriel cries for him. *smish* Heh. And Jeep's daddy tries to blow Gabriel up with the gas in the dinner. Why'd he think that'd work?

Back to the end of the movie. So, Michael runs Gabriel off, and then flies off himself, leaving Jeep and Charlie to find 'the prophets' and raise babyJesus v. 2.0. End o'movie.

Oh, and, again, back in the movie...natural reaction to seeing a pissed off archangel flying at you? Stand still and say, 'oh shit'. Great help.

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