I haven't been to church since November some time. Yes, I went to Christmas Midnight Mass, but I mean on a Sunday, going to Divine Liturgy. I got sick, missed two weekends, and here we are. It's January and I haven't been back.
It's easy to make excuses not to go. It's inconvenient to have to go and it makes me have to rearrange the other things that I do on Sunday. Which are, you know, Very Important. I go to the gym, lunch, and a movie. See how Important those things are? It's not even that I couldn't still do those things. It's just that I have to change the times or whatever.
So, you know, really good excuses. *sigh*
The truth is that it's just easier not to feel that I have a responsibility to go to church, not even to myself. But there's a part of me that *does* feel that I need to go. Which is why I feel bad and realize that I'm being dumb in not going. I can feel my level of interest in religion as it affects me personally waning. When I attended Liturgy weekly this wasn't a problem. I might not have known exactly what I needed to do, but I felt involved. I don't feel personally engaged anymore. It's all very fascinating in a sort of academic way, but I don't *feel* it, if that makes any sense to anyone who's not me.
The longer I stay away the easier it is to not go, and the less reason I feel for needing to go in the first place. Even now, having realized that this is a problem I resolve to start going on Sunday and then a few seconds later part of my brain goes, 'well, we really don't *have* to...' And it wants to blame it on the fact that I'm not Orthodox, so what good does it do to go because I can't receive Communion, and there's no one (that I've seen) at the church that's my age. Everyone's very nice, yes, but they're all 'grandma/pa age'. So there's little to talk about between us, really. *sigh* But I know that, for me, just *being there* makes me feel better. Being a part of the service, even if it's not all the way, lifts me up in some fashion I can't really explain. And sure, it'd be lovely to meet people my own age at the church, just so I could talk to them about things, but that's not really the point, is it? And everyone is so very nice, so what difference does any of that make?
Maybe there are people out there who can not attend church, not be a part of the congregation and keep their faith alive and vibrant. I am not those people. Now I just need to kick myself out of this hole I'm in.