I realized (as I said) the other day that I'm something of a control freak. I like things the way I like them and once something is under my influence/control I don't like to let other people have a say. Or even touch it.
My things are where they are and heaven help you if you move them even a little bit. Years ago I was out for a day or so at work. I came back and the very nice young intern that we had at the time had cleaned up my desk. Neatend, you know? I was LIVID! He didn't throw anything away or do anything 'bad' like that. He just dusted and straightened some stuff up. And I wanted to yell at him for touching all my things! I didn't, but I wanted to.
I used to joke around that I was OCD. I'm not, of course, but that was the level of my need to have everything in it's place according to *my* ordering of the universe. I've gotten better though. I no longer desire to hit people who touch my things. :)
Anyway. The control freak thing. I don't like to be out of control. I don't like to have things happen that I am not in charge of, where they affect me emotionally. Physical stuff, sure. I'm less worried about that. Stuff happens. But my mind, my emotions? That I don't like to think of being manipulated. It's part of why I've never gone to by hypnotized or seen a shrink or anything. I don't want people playing with my head. It's part of why I never got into drugs. That whole out of control thing.
I was thinking about religion and why I can't quite seem to make up my mind. I mean...I know. I really do. I know what I believe and where that is taught and which Church I believe to be the original, true Church established by Christ. So why haven't I done anything? Why am I still just laying there going, 'uhhuh. that's all true and shiny and nice.' and staying right where I am.
I think it's a conflict of personality and unrealistic expectation.
I want to have one of those bolt out of the blue religious experiences. You know, 'WHAM', drop to your knees, weeping, whatever, knowing. Transcendent. And that's never happened. And a part of me, the part that thinks that that's what happens to people (based on the conversion stories in all sorts of faiths that I love to read because I like to read about other peoples emotions being messed with apparently...) figures that until that happens I must not be looking at the right thing. That's a terrible, annoying and irrational part but I haven't figured out how to cut it out of myself yet.
Because even if it *did* happen, once the smoke cleared I wouldn't trust it. Why? Because my emotions were out of control. They were clearly being manipulated by some outside stimulus and therefore the entire experience wouldn't be trustworthy. So I'd reject the experience even if I had it!
*throws hands up in the air*
On a completely unrelated note: I may be more absent than usual from the blogs this month. I'm participating in NaNoWriMo this year and it takes up a lot of free time. For anyone who doesn't know, NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month. Every November anyone who signs up for this writes a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. Or makes a damn good try at it anyway. :) Just so no one thinks I'm ignoring them or anything I figured I'd better mention it.